M Victoria Street

M Victoria Street

Note: I hadn’t planned to review this place (hence no photos), but it was bad and I don’t want any other unsuspecting diners to go through the same experience as me. 

The above photo is of one of the best steaks I’ve ever eaten, which was, unsurprisingly, in Argentina. This picture is in no way whatsoever an accurate reflection of the steaks at M Victoria.

This is a restaurant I only went to due to circumstance. A
group of us had bought a TimeOut offer for M Wine Bar – a place with a similar
concept to Vagabonds where you use a card topped up with cash to buy measures
of wine from automatic dispensers. For the £20 we paid, this bit was well worthwhile.
Incidentally though, I wouldn’t pay full price for this experience.

Moving onto the restaurant – we went downstairs to the upmarket
M Victoria, a steak
joint, as the offer also included £20 off food.

And what a frustrating experience it was. This is an
establishment masquerading itself as a high-end steak restaurant for people who
want to blow some serious cash. Instead of investing in a decent chef and
enough staff (more on that shortly), they’ve spanked all their money on making
the place look fancy. And in that respect, they’ve succeeded. If this was an
interior design blog, they’d get a solid 8/10 (it was a bit too dark for me to
give them a coveted 10/10).

On their website, I was amazed to see M Victoria is claiming
to have been awarded “BEST UK RESTAURANT 2018”. When I investigated further, it
turns out they were awarded “BEST
RESTAURANT – UPMARKET” in something called the Blue Badge Style Awards, which turns
out is recognition for providing excellent accessibility and facilities for
people with disabilities. Now, this is obviously a great thing and should be
commended, but there is not a single mention on their website of exactly what
this award is for. Anyone looking at their website would assume M Victoria has
been given this award for having fantastic food. It’s completely misleading and
pretty outrageous to make such claims, encouraging poor steak seekers into an
evening of frustration and disappointment.

Considering they are positioning as high-end, the service
was abysmal. And I’m not one to normally get too annoyed about these things. So,
it must have been bad. Firstly, it took about fifteen minutes for anyone to
come over and give us menus. It was a similar story with ordering. And then the
length of time it took the food to come was ridiculous.

With my £20 off voucher in tow (and without a need to buy
any more booze – I was sloshed from the wine tasting experience), I thought I’d
treat myself to one of their exorbitantly priced rib-eye steaks. I really wish
I hadn’t.

I asked for my beautiful piece of meat to be cooked
medium-rare. What I got, however, was medium-well. I would’ve sent it back, but
because it took about an hour for the food to arrive (and I was drunk) I didn’t
want to risk having to wait the same amount of time again. In hindsight, I
should have sent it back. For something like this to be done to a very
high-quality piece of meat is an absolute travesty. There should be laws
against this kind of thing.

Overall, M Victoria is a restaurant which has got it all
wrong. Their chefs cannot cook steak properly. And for a place posing as a
steak restaurant, this is a serious problem. They’re going to get found out
pretty quickly by anyone who has a tongue and a pair of eyes (maybe that’s why
they’ve made it so dark).

I have a suggestion for the owners – send back your fancy
auto bum-washing Japanese toilet seats and televisions in your fancypants
bathrooms, get a refund, and hire a proper steak chef. Also, please hire some
more staff so your customers don’t have to wait hours for everything. Rant.

Should you go to M Victoria?

No, not under any circumstances. Well, perhaps if they paid you to go it
might be worth considering. Just make sure to ask to cook the steak yourself.

How much does it cost?

A laughable amount that’s not worth even calculating

Overall: (2.2 / 10)

Flavour: (3.0 / 10)
Creativity: (1.0 / 10)
Presentation: (4.0 / 10)
Service and Ambiance: (2.0 / 10)
Value for money: (1.0 / 10)

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